Funny Sayings about Cold

"It's colder than ... "

Who among you truly loves cold weather? I'm not seeing any hands in the air. Maybe because it is too cold and your arms have frozen to your sides. More likely, however, you don't like cold weather any more than the rest of us. Or maybe it is because I cannot see you from this side of the computer monitor.

Sure we love the changing of the seasons, the scenic beauty of fresh fallen snow, sledding, skiing and the convenience of keeping your ice cold beer on the back patio ... but there are times when it is simply too cold. So we've started collecting euphemisms for cold weather:

1. It's colder than a witch's teat.

2. It's colder than a well digger's ass.

3. It's colder than a golddigger's heart.

4. It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass brassiere.

5. It's colder than a fart in a dead Eskimo.

6. It's colder than Saddam's current toilet seat.

7. It's colder than Ted William's head.

8. It's colder than a mother-in-law's kiss.

9. It's colder than Jack Frost's toes after he skates on an icy pond.

10. It's colder than a brass toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg.

11. It's colder than a penguin's pecker.

12. It's so cold the dogs are sticking to the fire hydrants.

13. It's colder than a polar bear's butt.

14. It's colder than a witch's belt buckle.

15. It's colder than Chris Cringle's jockstrap.

16. It's colder than a grave digger's shovel.

17. It's colder than a mortician's mistress.

18. It's colder than a day-old dumpling.

19. It's colder than skinny dipping in a snow storm.

20. It's colder than in a freezer Antarctica.

21. It's colder than the end of an Eskimo's tool.

22. It's colder than a room full of ex-wives.

23. It's colder than a bucket of snowman piss.

24. It is so cold even property taxes are frozen.

25. It is so cold my boogers are freezing together.

26. It is cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

27. It is so cold my cat climbs into the refrigerator just to warm up.

28. It is so cold Bill Clinton is sleeping with his own wife.

29. It is so cold snowmen are migrating south.

30. It is so cold I could cut glass with my nipples.

31. It is so cold it feels like I'm breathing liquid oxygen.

32. It is so cold my campfire froze.

33. It is so cold even the dog wanted a cup of coffee.

34. It is so cold my eyelids froze shut.

35. It is so cold hookers were giving free blow jobs just to get something warm in their stomachs.

36. It is so cold I'm using an icetray as a heating pad.

37. It is so cold my sweaters need sweaters.

38. It is so cold even global warming tree-huggers are wearing hats and mittens.

39. It is so cold the polar bears are shivering.

40. It is so cold you can toss a cup of hot water in the air and hear it shatter into ice crystals.

41. It is so cold I had to turn off the air conditioner.

42. It is so cold my teeth froze together.

43. It is so cold when I pee outside you can see the Golden Arches.

44. It is so cold my heartburn is cured.

45. It is so cold the "shrinkage" gave me a man-gina.

46. It is so cold my butt cheeks have stuck together.

47. It is so cold Monica Lewinsky has just been blowing on her hands.

48. It is so cold in New York the hookers in Times Square are giving out flannel condoms.

49. It is so cold people are huddling around Jennifer Lopez, because they heard she was packing heat.

50. It is so cold that even the squirrels had thermal underwear.

51. It was so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs.

52. It was so cold the eye doctor was giving away free ice scrapers with every purchase of a new pair of eyeglasses.

53. It was so cold squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at electric fences.

54. It was so cold Grandpa's teeth were chattering . . . in the glass!

55. It was so cold teenagers stopped worrying about acne. The new problem . . . goosepimples.

56. It was so cold I chipped a tooth on my soup.

57. It was so cold when we milked the cows, we got ice cream.

58. It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii.

59. It was so cold down at the city morgue, you couldn't tell the stiffs from the guys who worked there.

60. It was so cold we had to kick a hole in the air just to get outside.

61. It was so cold my moustache shattered when I laughed.

62. It was so cold tea cozies were being used for things that tea cozies should never be used for.

63. It was so cold we had to salt the hallway.

64. It was so cold when I turned on the shower - I got hail.

65. It was so cold the mice were playing hockey in the toilet bowl.

66. It was so cold we had an ice-fishing shack in the bathtub.

67. It was so cold we had lunch down at the "Greasy Spoon" - just for the heartburn.

68. It was so cold our aquarium didn't need any glass. The downside? The fish were motionless.

69. It was so cold worms were sticking out of the ground like sticks.

70. It was so cold when Dad tried to sneak upstairs to bed, the crunching sound under his feet would wake us up.

71. It was so cold my shadow froze to the ground, and when I took a step it snapped right off.

72. It was so cold the politicians stopped blowing hot air.

73. It was so cold if you made an ugly face, it really did stay that way.

74. It was so cold sitting on that smoldering compost heap wasn't all that bad.

75. It was so cold the winner of the ice sculpture contest was disqualified when it was discovered he WAS the sculpture.

76. It was so cold we thought Grandpa had grown a beard, but it turned out to be just an icicle of frozen drool.

77. It was so cold kids were telling the most outrageous lies just hoping their pants would catch on fire.

78. It was so cold we couldn't go outside for weeks at a time, and we were hoping that cabin fever would raise our body temperature.

79. It was so cold Scotsmen started wearing pants.

80. It was so cold that when I tried to take the garbage out, it didn't want to go.

81. It was so cold my car wouldn't run and my nose wouldn't stop.

82. It was so cold the flame froze on the candle, so I threw it outside. When it thawed out in the spring, it started a forest fire.

83. It was so cold you could tell how much someone had been crying by the length of the icicles on their cheeks.

84. It was so cold firemen couldn't convince people to get out of their houses when they caught fire.

85. It is cold enough to freeze the balls off of a pool table.

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Do you have any to add? Which were your favorite? Post your comments.

Thanks,
QualityBargainz, LLC